For Mark (and Kyle)

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Cashier: A Day in the Life.

– – – –

6:30 a.m. Awake to a bright and morally untroubling day. Waft into kitchen to prepare a healthy, animal-free breakfast. See that girlfriend (Jennifer) has cooked cream-of-tomato soup in my saucepan, and has left it in sink. Don’t want to start fight. Instead, blend spirulina breakfast shake in blender for entirety of time in shower.

7:30 a.m. Put PETA “I am not a nugget” T-shirt on under work polo. I know I’ve made a small difference.

8:15 a.m.-8:25 a.m. After leaving questionably sarcastic note for Jennifer, drive to work. Tailgate Durango with “Carnivore” sticker. Feel he noticed: small victory. Arrive at work. Clock in. Intentionally snub butchers’ department; give them the finger with hands in pockets.

9:20 a.m. Fellow-cashier (Brandi) asks for price on eggs. “The price is too high,” I say. “Too high.” She is so moved by my answer, she does not consult me for price checks for rest of day.

10:25 a.m. Get poultry drippings on shirt from raw chicken at checkout. Consider changing into extra work shirt, but decide not to. Fluids will be Pink Badge of Sacrifice. Brandi tells me I have chicken blood on my shirt. “But not on my hands,” I say.

11:00 a.m. Overcharge woman buying Jell-O.

11:15 a.m. Lunch break. Eat bagel with peanut butter sprinkled with texturized vegetable protein. Brandi sits nearby, eating turkey sandwich. Stomach turns. She asks if she should eat elsewhere. I say, “No, I just won’t breathe through my nose.” After meal, go to loading dock and smoke cigarette to clear air of turkey smell.

11:45 a.m. Return from lunch break. Remove Burt’s Bees products from display next to register. Manager complains. Tell her I’m sorry, that from now on I will be more accepting of the exploitation of bees. She asks me to work every Saturday for the month. I accept, interested to see how many pork products are bought on Sabbath. Will make great entry in journal.

 Found via passive-aggressive notes.

Click the title to read it all.  :)


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